Facing a divorce is a difficult and momentous experience. Chances are, you’re already sad at the loss of the person you once shared your life and deepest feelings with when you find yourself facing further losses.
Why do some friends disappear during your divorce like collateral damage? Most people don’t expect the friends they count on for support to ghost them or blatantly choose to remain friends with their ex instead of them, but sadly, this isn’t uncommon. So, why do we sometimes lose friends after a divorce?
According to relationship experts, there are three main reasons you might also lose friendships when you say goodbye to your life partner.
They Disapprove of Your Choice to Divorce
It’s true that the only two people who really know what goes on inside a marriage are the two who live it. This often includes your friends. Many people cope with a bad marriage for years, and one way they do this is by keeping the truth about the marriage from their friends and family members.
It’s common to feel better about your marital situation if it at least appears to others that you have a happy family life. For this reason, your choice to divorce may seem like it comes out of the blue to the friends you didn’t fully confide in about your marital problems. When this is the case, you may find them uncomfortable with your choice or they may be forthright about their disapproval.
They may feel that you didn’t try hard enough to work on your problems because the divorce seems sudden to them.
In some cases, you could have a friend whose religious beliefs or upbringing taught them that divorce is wrong or sinful and that married spouses should stick it out rather than divorce. Some may feel that you should have remained married for the sake of your children. Regardless of the reason, if one or more friends disapprove of your decision to divorce they may find it easier to avoid you rather than tell you how they feel.
The Dynamics of the Relationship Have Changed Due to Your Divorce
There are many ways that divorce changes us. If this change impacts the way a friend related to you before, it could dissolve the friendship. For example, maybe you and your friend used to bond over your mutual marital problems and now you’ve taken positive steps to address the situation and they have not.
This may leave them feeling uncomfortable or they may find they no longer have anything to talk to you about. They may even feel jealous of your new-found freedom and feel self-conscious about not making the same choice but sticking it out in an unhappy marriage instead.
On the other hand, if your friend is a happily married woman who used to talk to you about family life and raising children and now you are a single person who wants to discuss the dating scene, your friend may feel that they no longer have anything in common with you.
They’ve Sided With Your Spouse or Have Chosen Your Spouse’s Friendship Over Yours
Sadly, sometimes a friend takes your spouse’s side over yours on whatever the issue was that ended the marriage.
Perhaps they feel that you should have given a cheating spouse another chance or they dislike the fact that YOU cheated on your spouse or fell in love with someone else. If your friendship was a foursome between you and your spouse and another couple, they may have felt that they had to choose one or the other because you can no longer socialize together as two couples.
If the friendship was stronger between one of them and your spouse, they may have chosen you as the more expendable friend even if they regret losing your companionship.
Regardless of the reasons you’ve lost friends following your divorce, it’s likely that you haven’t lost all of your friends. The ones who stick by you are true and lasting friends. What’s more, you may find new friends who you find you’ve more in common with, such as other single parents. Sometimes closing the book on some aspects of your life opens the pages to a fresh start.